Welcome to the Antipodes

China!

2006-06-25T04:34:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Beijing in approximately 9 hours for a study trip / holiday to China. Too exciting!

Anyway, I might be posting pictures of me climbing the Great Wall, or eating deep fried bugs, or at the terracotta warriors, or hugging Minnie at Disneyland over the next few weeks. Or I might not, depending on the computer situation.

Regardless, exciting stories are soon coming your way. I can sense your excitement from HERE.

Zai-jyen!*

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* Goodbye, but I'm sure you clever types all cottoned onto to that immeditately.

Common sense? I BEG TO DIFFER.

2006-05-28T18:25:00.000-07:00

I love sticky date pudding. I used to think it loved me. Sure, I ate it, but I was so appreciative when doing so! There were squeals of delight when it entered the room!

All illusions have since disappeared. It has since become blindingly clear that this pudding and presumably all it's puddingy buddies HATE ME.

Allegedly, sticky date pudding has a “high sugar content”, and “should be reheated in the oven”. Is this news to you? Sure was to me!

Blissfully unaware, I blew up my microwave.

There was smoke!

And fire!

A mushroom cloud of DOOM!

The culprit?

This piece of ex pudding would have smashed a window. Note that even the BOWL is burnt. When I destroy things, I always tend towards the dramatic.

We now have a new microwave, and I'm that tiny bit less popular. Unfortuanately, whilst having several "features" (including 'Aussie Menu' options, which made me laugh), our new model does not double as a flat screen TV.

Maybe next time.*

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* Kidding, family members! KIDDING.

I am alive.

2006-04-16T04:44:00.000-07:00

With a post and everything. Hey! I meant to write "with a pulse", but my tired, tired brain just wrote post, and it makes sense, though is not what I originally intended to say. My sub concious is doing a stupendous job.

What have I been doing to while away the hours? I have been muttering in a "character-everyone-thinks-is-crazy-but-turns-out-to-be-right-in-the-end" sort of way.

A cectobrite!

Cectobrite - Sec / toe / brite

noun

A character, usually the protaginist, who is initially thought to be crazy and / or lying. Their views are usually vindicated towards the end of the narrative.

Classic cectorbrites throughout history have included Fiver from Watership Down, Joan from Joan of Arcadia, and one would assume freaking Tim Allen would lay a claim to this with his performance in the un hit movie, The Shaggy Dog. Technically, though, his acceptance of such a henious role leads me to believe he actually is crazy, ergo cannot be classified as a cectobrite. Sucks for the Toolman.

Of course, the most famous cectobrite's of late are those two crazy kids from the Da Vinci Code - Robert Langdon and Sophie Neveu. Now, I wouldn't suggest seeing the movie or rereading the book - I've done both recently and have become incredibly disillusioned with Mr Brown. He has no real characterisation skills - I re read the set (Deception Point, Angels and Demons, Digital Fortress) and he uses the SAME characters every time. Beautiful, smart female protagisinist / Robert Langdon. ALL three characters (Robert stars in both Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code) are scarred by a traumatic event from their childhood.

The Da Vinci Code / Angels and Demons - Robert fell down a well and almost died when he was seven, and is now scared of elevators / confined spaces! The Trauma and completely conincidental relevance to a story that takes place mainly in scary, enclosed crypts! I cannot believe it!

Deception Point - Racheal Sexton, who is of course brilliant AND beautiful, fell through an ICY LAKE WHILE ICE SKATING when she was a child! She too almost died!

The whole book takes place in the Arctic. On Ships. She falls in the water at least twice (spoiler!) She has "flashbacks" to her mother willing her to hold on and kick free at LEAST five times. Oh, and her mother died three years ago, thus increasing this metaphors emotional potential.

TWO other main characters have loved ones who died - one in a military stuff up (he's the head of intellegence - crazy! The coincidences are blowing my mind!) The romantic male lead's only love died on his ship or some crap, and he cannot bear to let it go / move on. UNTIL...well...I think we all know where this is heading.

Digital Fortress - I can't even be bothered. The protaginist is, suprise, suprise, incredibly smart and incredibly beautiful, and succedding in an area (mathematics / code breaking / almost the same / as Sophie Neveu / except American ) that is traditionally dominated by men. Yawn.

This is very, very disposable literature. I enjoyed each book the first time round - the thriller elements work well, and keep you guessing. However, re reading when you know what happens? Terrible idea. The characterisation is woeful, and displays a stunning lack of creativity on Brown's part.

And now I have to go to uni. Alas. Sorry for the huge delay in updates - I've been meaning too for ages, but my life has got the better of me. If only I had fallen into a lake of contrivance as a child! Then I could blame EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS ON THAT.

* FYI, this was published today (23 May). I can't get dumb blogger to change it. Any tips?

Busy as a ...Lord Mayor So Bee.

2006-03-07T21:23:00.000-08:00

You'll have to wait a little for me to explain that reference. It bears full description, though I am saddened that I can't do my impersonation for you on this blog. SADDENED. Like in a soap opera. I'll power on regardless.

Although I haven't been updating, I've been THINKING of updating. As the receiver of a crappy birthday present once said, it's the thought that counts. I've always lent towards the present counting, myself, but let us ignore that niggling fact and rejoice in the use of a successful analogy. Continue that cerebral applause and give it up for:

1) Lord Mayor John So - He built this city! Only not really. However, his hilarious accent and general all round cheer makes him a favourite of mine - who else can say "Prease enjoy!" and make me laugh every single time? No one! I laugh with you, Lord Mayor.

Now, Melbourne is currently undergoing a huge Commonwealth Games makeover, which is currently in Stage seven: Frenzied overdrive, OMG people are coming in a WEEK! As part of this stage, our man Mr So announced this morning that pot plants in the number of 100,000 will be beautifying our streets. La di da. What makes the whole thing so amusing, however, is the sound bite provided this morning:

Lord Mayor So: "Yes, it is so gladdening to the city full of colour, and the bees! The bees are returning to Melbourne!"

The measure of a city is its pollinating population, I've been told. Certainly the first thing I look out for when travelling -

A: "Bee's?"
C: "Check."
A: "Relief."

2) The Commonwealth Games Athletes village - where I have been working, as ah, well, cleaner. Heh. On the plus side, my team has been assigned to houses that have been 95% unoccupied thus far, so it has been a walk in the proverbial park to date. Also, the food is ridiculously good - who knew Russian beef was so gosh darn tasty? Not I!

We've mainly been doing a quick dust and leaving it at that, but today one of our houses was full. With the Barbados women's netball team, who couldn't have been cooler. And apparently don't like peach and apricot air freshener. I can't fault that.

3) Madonna - Yes, Madonna. I know! It might help if I specified a little further here. I was listening to her new song ( Don't you judge me, now. My car only has a radio! I have no choice!), and about halfway through felt like giving Miss Richie a gold star. Why?

She pronounced "Waiting" and "Hesitating" perfectly. With the ing and all. I realise this is really not running through you average listener's head, but you know. She needs a Grammy ASAP, if only for saving us all from another "Waaaaiiteeennnnnnnn" song.

4) Random Busking Man outside my work - who, in a stroke of genius, is just singing nonsense words to accompany his stellar performance on the accordion. He's making me ENJOY hearing Greensleeves.

5) My very own Sister Superior - who is going to be a real live prep teacher starting next term. The children! Oh, the CHILDREN. I hear they are rejoicing in the streets, or playgrounds, maybe.

6) George Clooney - Who doesn't love him? I must point out I've been on the Georgey bandwagon for a long time now, and his stellar acceptance speech made me love him even more. Also his tux.

Now, halt that applause and start to boo for:

Whoever choreographed that slow motion dance sequence for the Crash "Best Song" Performance. I think I was coming out in hives.

Au revouir, or goodbye in Swedish, for those of you currently residing in Uppsala ;P I don't know what it is. I also can't be bothered looking right now, so feel free to enlighten me in the comments.

Check back later in the week for more Athlete village Shenanigans!

Things I have done. You know, lately.

2006-02-05T14:07:00.000-08:00

1) Went to see The Go! Team at the Prince of Wales. Such a great gig - they really know how to work the stage, and Ninja added lyrics to almost all of the instrumental tracks on Thunder, Lightning, Strike!, making them that much cooler. I'll forgive her name, only because she dressed as a cheerleader and did the craziest hip hop dancing I have ever seen. Wicked! Also, Recorders! And banjos! And xylophones! And a MOUTH ORGAN.

2) Cleaned my room in a very half assed fashion, about three times, but never "properly". I really, really hate cleaning my room. I just cannot physically do it anymore. I've lost that gene, or something.

3) Got a beautiful new bookshelf, thanks to my dad who is the best.
Read: went back the next day and bought me one after my mum got one and I pouted. Hee. I'm currently reshuffling my law books with my favourite books and debating exactly which shelf is the right home for each. You know how it is.

4) Became a movie buff over the holidays. I saw, in order of goodness:
- a) The Constant Gardener
- b) Winter Solstice
- c) Brokeback Mountain
- d) Look Both Ways
- e) The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
- f) The Producers
- g) Joyex Noel
- h) Memoirs of a Geisha
- i) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
- z) King Kong. I HATED this movie LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE.

a) I really, really loved The Constant Gardener - so well done, and Rachel Weiz was excellent, as was Ralph Finnes. Great plot, and I think I'd have to see it a few more times to fully grasp the conspiracy. Everyone has been raving about the cinematography in Brokeback Mountain, but honestly think it was better in this film - the colours used in the opening and closing sequences of the film are breathtaking. Up there on my favourites list.

b) A beautiful little film about not much at all, really, which made it good. That logic is flawless. What I am trying to say is it was very true to life, particularly the kids in it. Not movie kids! HoooRAH. Anthony LaPaglia was why I went to see it. Heh. He rode a bike.

c) Lovely to look at, and has been reviewed by everyone else on the planet, so I'll leave it alone. It did perhaps go on for a little longer than it should, I think, but Heath Ledger was so convincing. The scene at the end? With Jack...you know? with the NO SOUND?
Made me cry. Devastating.

d) The first Australian movie I've seen since Lantana that I really loved and was actually good. Hoorah for William McInnes. The use of the photos and the illustrations was so clever. I was clapping the director IN MY MIND.

e) Mr Tummus, people. I love him.

f) Not as good as the show, obviously, but still pretty awesome. Matthew Broderick killed me.

g) French! Subtitled! I'm so arty, yo. I think we ruined this film a little bit by seeing it after Christmas, but it still warmed my heart good.

h) I did not like this film. I especially did not like the turquoise contact lenses - Sayuri's eyes are supposed to be a SUBTLE bluey grey, I mean, WE GET IT. "The eyes!" Also, it should have been subtitled. By the end of the film, I was heartily sick and tired of hearing that she was a water child, or had water in her eyes, or was dangerous because, wait for it, she = water! ARRRGH! Funniest moment was at the end of the film when bju turned to me in disgust and said "Oh, NOW her eyes are blue, huh?"

She has not the best eyesight, and had decided to forego the glasses. Hilarious.

i) Danae was wise to sit this one out. Painful cut after painful cut and frankly, the movies suck in comparison to the books. Huumph. I hope JK Rowling is HAPPY.

z) Most overrated movie in the history of time. The dinosaurs! Oh, the dinosaurs. When will they stop?

5) Found out that in America, the star system only goes up to four for movies, but five for restaurants. Crazy! And all this time I just thought they were making some statement about no movie being perfect, or something.

6) Coughed a lot, but refused to see my doctor. I'm curing my asthma through denial. It's clearly not working, but I shall persist.

7) Got the second season of Arrested Development in the mail from amazon.com. I was sufficiently excited. My Dad rigged up a region 1 dvd player for me, as further testament to his rockingness. .

8) Went swimming in a beautiful lake and sunbaked in it's equally beautiful park on a whim. It was lots of fun, and only 20 minutes from my house. I resolve to go there more now that we have rediscovered it.

9) Ate the best hot chips I will ever eat in my live long life at Grill'd in St Kilda. Seriously, folks. Every single one we ate was followed by a "Oh my GOD! These CHIPS! Are AWESOME!"

10) Spoke to my host sister Sayuri, who is coming from Japan to visit me in approximately three days. I am so excited right now, but that excitement is being tempered by the need to clean my room. See 2. Also, spoke to one of my bestest buddies Baftin over webcam - she is studying in Sweden for six months, and I am very jealous. Heh.

And that is why I haven't updated much lately.

All hail the word linkinator.

2006-01-28T18:07:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the most helpful Estefanía (oh, amazing!), I have recently acquired the necessary information needed to....link.

I know.

Sometimes I wake up, and I AMAZE myself.

Anyway, I have been meaning for a while to make this blog have proper sections, and a prettier header, and links and things. However, I am a procrastinator by nature, and even when blogging really IS a type of procrastination, well, you can be guaranteed it isn't all going to happen at once.

Baby steps.

THE WORDS TO DATE:

1) Favournein / Fav – or – naii – n.

1. Opposite of favourite – your most unfavourite, if you will.

For example, my favournein actress is Kirsten Dunst, closely followed by J Lo. Previews for ‘Elizabethtown’ make me want to throw things at the little KD’s head, and J Lo was the sole perpetrator in making ‘Shall We Dance’ my favournein movie.

Derivative:

Nein is German for no. Favour comes from Favourite, dooshbags.

Simile - Fovarong / Fo - va - rong

Yes, a simile. For those situations where favournein is simply not strong enough to express your hatred. Or for those situations where I must be right. I still think this one is better, but Sister Superior digresses.

You know how people say “That’s sure to be an instant favourite?” I think this would work just as well – “Stealth would be an instant fovarong, if I could actually drag myself to the cinema and watch it.” Besides, does FAVOURITE have a smilie? Exactly. Providing for the people.

2) LOTI - Laughing On The Inside

USAGE:

1. "Hee, Otto's my dog doppleganger. I'm laughing on the inside!"
2. "Heh! LOTI!"

3) Misphantel / Mis – fan – tel

1. A misspelled word that is so poorly spelt no one but its author can discern what it means.
2. A word that by virtue of its appallingly bad spelling fools Microsoft Word into thinking it is another word entirely.(n)

Derivative: [Mistake, from Old Norse mistaka, to take in error ; Fantastic, Middle English fantastik, from Greek phantazesthai, to appear ; Spelling, Middle English spellen, to read letter by letter ]

"Hey, look, I made a misphantel!" Chuck a few extra s and t's into your word of choice and you too can live the dream. Don't overdo it - you don't want to end up with "No spelling suggestions". Word can be such a party pooper at times.

For those of you who’d like a word for your plain average red squiggly line, there already is one. Spelling Mistake.

Obviously.

4) Scholanic / skol – an – ick

A scholarly fear or sudden panic.

Derivative : A combination of the words panic and school - [From French panique, terrified, from Latin schola] into a whole new super word that has a myriad of uses.

You don’t know the answer to the question your lecturer has just asked you. You mention off hand that you’ve read a difficult novel just to sound smart, and someone turns around and wants to discuss Joyce’s use of symbolism in the latter chapters of Ulysses. You flip over an exam paper and realise you studied the wrong topic.And all of a sudden, you feel a little scholaniced.

5) VLH - a.k.a the Virtual Love Hug***

1) Used when an actual hug is physically impossible. That almost sounds like it's catering for people with no arms, which it isn't, but if you have no arms, great! Finally, an expression of emotion that is tailored to your specific needs.
2) A way of saying you are sorry without all those awkward apologies.
3) Lastly, for situations where a normal hug of love just isn't enough.

Just click on the titles to get to the non-abridged post.

Now, I just have to make this a little option in my sidebar and we will be rocking. Also, if anyone wants a word formulated for their own as-yet-unnamed feeling et al, just let me know and I'd be more than happy to oblige.

Also, go and see Brokeback Mountain and The Constant Gardener. Amazing.

Blogger has a sense of humour.

2006-01-22T04:09:00.000-08:00

I'm sure of it.

Now, given this is a blog about words, I'm thinking this may be some tricky game Blogger is playing with me, a bit of oneuppmannship* on the "inventing words" front.

As far as I'm aware, the letters chosen for word verification are supposed to be random. Right? I was commeneting over at 50 Books**, replying to a post that addressed Young Master Sam's, ahem, diaper dilemma’s (read: about poo.) The word verification?

bogeymum.

Now. I'm not about to take this blog into the gutter and discuss the minute differences between bogeys (snot!) and poo (well, poo!), but the mum connection is definitely there.

Ergo, blogger is playing with my mind. Thankyou, and goodnight.

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* Invented! Sounds real, though. It could just be incorrect. Don't all rush to the dictionary at once, now.

** Great site! If I knew even basic html, I could link you over, using the word and all. Yet I cannot. I have resolved to learn, although if anyone could comment with how to link within a post, I'll make a up a word JUST FOR YOU. Oh yes.

For now, http://www.50books.blogspot.com will work just fine.

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A double line? What could this MEAN?

Well, I'm going away to the beach the next few days for some sun and surfing, so won't be in. However, when I get home I am going to try and update more often, and work out how to get some links and headers and general technological wizardy happening.

Woot. Also, the review of the worst circus ever. EVER. Luckily, it fell into the "so bad it's good category."

Featuring camels that do nothing but run around the ring, attempt to bow, and then fall on their humpy asses! And that was the highlight. More later, when I can do it justice.

The hard word truth.

2006-01-07T03:38:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the it's-sort-of-still-new-year-and-the-done-thing-is-to-post-a-list entry!

Only this list doesn't have my favourite movies of 2005, or things I aim to do in 2006, or new years resolutions that I resolve never to hold.

No. Instead, read some universal word truths:

1) When I say gleeful, I feel gleeful simply by saying it.

2) I've always found that funny sounds funny. Not funny ha-ha, but funny weird. The four preceding funny's only excacerbate this, and now that there are five - well, it sounds FUNNY.

3) Perpendicular has something for everyone.

4) Anyone talking about projectile vomiting automatically appears to be doing it themselves.

5) Bland is bland and so is beige.

6) Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious is clealy longer and cooler and more deserving of the title of "longest word in the English language" than Antidisestablishmentarianism, although apparently PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANOCONIOSIS takes the cake.

"A lung disease caused by breathing in particles of siliceous volcanic dust." Pssht.

7) Spontaneous is never said spontaneously. By the time you've gone over the pronociation, the moment has passed.

8) All attempts by Outdoorsy types to refer to spelunking as "caving" should be banned. Spelunking is criminally underappreciated, and it really needs to get out more.

9) Same goes for penultimate. Second last? Please.*

10) Give spelling a chance. Tkng teh vwls away dsn't mk it cl.**

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* So I made penultimate second last. Allow me my small amusements.

** I cheated three times. Otherwise it made absolutely NO SENSE, which I guess is my point.

Quotation - the act of repeating erroneosly the words of another.

2005-12-27T03:35:00.000-08:00

I got the Times book of Quotations this Christmas, a book so mightly fine and tome-like I feel I must post a picture just to show you, as soon as I can be bothered taking one. It was my secret santa present from my Mum san, who incidentally signed all her gift tags as such. She even calls herself "the mum san" in third person now. I feel so honoured that the small period of "stop calling me that ridiculous name" has worn off, and she has embraced her unique title.

Hee.

Anyway, here are a few quotes that I am particulary fond of:

Clifton Fadiman, (1904 - )
US Writer, editor and broadcaster

"Cheese - milk's leap toward immortality."

Sherlock Holmes, with some help from Arthur Conan Doyle (1859 - 1930)

"I am a brain, Watson. The rest of me is a mere appendix."

George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)
Irish Socialist, writer, dramatist and critic

"My way of joking is to tell the truth . It's the funniest joke in the world.

With that in mind, here are a few quotable quotes from my very own family on Christmas Day.

Boop: "I'm not saying this would be funny, but wouldn't it be funny if it rained on the Weber and the turkey was ruined?"

I laughed a great deal. She tried to explain it, but it got rapidly less funny ("Well, I don't like turkey...") than the original split second condradiction.

Danae: "I don't work with machines!"

We were doing flips in the swimming pool, and I guess I was clearly cheating by using an invisible machine. Maybe.

Me: "Somersaults give me vertigo."

I feel that is quite self explanatory.

Hope you all had a happy holiday season :D, and if bored, why not trek over to Danae's blog and read her Star sign predictions for 2006? Give her a comment. It'll totally make her day.

WON'T YOU JUST THINK OF MY SISTER?

Blogging it up. For MY DAD.

2005-12-11T19:35:00.000-08:00

Hello, Dad san!

Hope work is treating you well, and this is just a big shout out to you.

Because, people, my dad is the best*. That is all. Also, hi Ruth! I'm not really posting these THAT late - I just can't figure out how to change the time stamp, and it's an American system.

I swear, I'm in bed early. Really.

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* The fact that my dad is logging on to read this has nothing to do with this clearly objective assesment of his rockingness. Nothing at all.

The VLH - a gift for all occasions.

2005-12-08T02:28:00.000-08:00

Q: Christmas is coming! Merriment abounds! Why wouldn't you hug everyone you know?

A: Because you are tired and stressed and working and still trying to figure out what the hell you are going to get the hugee for Christmas, that's why.

Today I took No Mercy and Danae for a spot of Christmas shopping after my eighth day straight of work. On top of this, I didn't get home until three in the morning last night (this morning? In the sleepytime that was nevertheless closer to today {which is now tonight} than last night?) Suffice to say I was a grumpy little....grump. I am the most irrational tired person ever. Objectively, it's quite hilarious.

Anyway, I had just grumped at Danae for being late to Muffin Break (the meeting place of choice in my family, for some unknown reason), and then huffed off, doing a classic bju* fast walk to the car.

A fast walk that slowed dramtically and became quite shameful when I heard the voices of sisterly discontent rumbling behind me. I had an immediate feel bad moment. You know the ones - you realise that you probably shouldn't have been angry over such a small thing, and you feel mean. Well, I certainly do. Specifically, I want people to remember what a great girl I really am (you can read this line with whatever degree of sarcasm you feel is necessary. My mum thinks I'm nice.), and I have to rectify the situation immediately.

So I stopped, and pasted on a sincere smile, and was all "Guuuuuuys! It's me! I'm sorry. Let's just forget that little grump attack ever happened and be friends and skip happily to the Myer carpark arm in arm, mmmkay?"**

Which we did, in a fashion, although Danae's face still had a slight tinge of the child who hath been wronged. We got to the car, had a little high five congratulatory moment on the earlier triumph of scoring a park that was not only close to the door, but DRIVE THROUGH, and chugged off into the sunset.

Only, not quite. I could feel brooding coming from the back seat. Yet I could hardly turn around to the back seat and give Danae a good ol I'm sorry for serious hug. Nope.

I had no choice but to invent an acronym that would simultaneously break the mood and move us on from the regrettable incident. I came up with -

VLH - a.k.a the Virtual Love Hug***.

1) Used when an actaul hug is physically impossible. That almost sounds like it's catering for people with no arms, which it isn't, but if you have no arms, great! Finally, an expression of emotion that is tailored to your specific needs.

2) A way of saying you are sorry without all those awkward apologies.

3) Lastly, for situations where a normal hug of love just isn't enough.

The gift that just keeps on giving. Plus, it's free, which appeals the the dormant povvo in us all.

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* Bju is one of my best buddies at uni. She walks as fast as your average cheetah.

** I may be slightly altering this. In a good, "broadway musical of my life" sort of way.

*** The term "Love Hug" or "Hug of Love! Hug of Loooove!" was actually coined by No Mercy and me (oooh, awesome band name, right there. Feel free to cash in), during our exam period this year. If the other was looking particualrly stressed, a love hug was in order

Besides, how much more fun is it to say? Loooove Hug! Loooooove Hug!

Ahem.

Are you really Laughing Out Loud?

2005-11-28T18:50:00.000-08:00

Did you know that approximately 68% of the time, the use of LOL isn't accompanied by actual laughter?

If you didn't, don't fret. I just made it up. Are you scandalised? Probably not so much if I told you that 47% of all statistics are useless, including this one. Oh, SNAP!

But I digress.

If I took a random sample of MSN conversations of bygone days, it would appear that we laugh out loud at least four times a minute*. Now, I am a happy soul, but even I don't laugh THAT much. It'd be a bit freaky. Children have clown phobias for a good reason (one of which is seeing IT at the tender age of 12, but that's a nightmare I don't care to revisit.) That said, I chat to some pretty funny people, and lots of the time, their jokes, puns, or bad spelling in the heat of the moment amuse me.

Yet not "I'm laughing hysterically out loud" amusing. I see a void in online conversation acronyms. I feel it can only filled by -

LOTI - Laughing On The Inside

USAGE:
1. "Hee, Otto's my dog doppleganger. I'm laughing on the inside!"
2. "Heh! LOTI!"

I just can't believe no one's thought of it earlier. Then again, I am probably the only one that spends any time pondering the inadequacy of commonly used internet acronyms.

Tell me I'm not alone.

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* So I invented this as well. I'm sure it's pretty much on the money, and after all, there is NOTHING WRONG with fabricating evidence after the fact to prove your point, right? Nothing at all.

Procrastination....my muse or my enemy?

2005-11-27T21:09:00.000-08:00

Now, having been on holidays for approximately five days*, an objective "man on the street**" would expect me to be blogging up a storm.
I, too, thought this would be the case.

But somehow, when I have no exam to be studying for or assignment to hand in, the motivation just falls away. Odd.

But I shall move on in the face of adversity. I shall persevere. Lacking anything resembling a subject, I'm going to do what a thousand photographers before me have done...and just put some photos here.

Of the sisterly beings.

Sister One: Sister Superior. Can you tell she picked her own nickname? She sounds like a nun. Yet, she isn't. Observe :

The "please employ me, for I am a super individual and would teach your kids gooooood!" shot.**

Sister Two: Is me.

Sister Three: No Mercy. Which is actually her legitimate nickname.
The story is very long, but I gave it to her a year and a half ago and it fits her like a glove. On that, I've never really found a glove that fit me like a glove. My hands are quite possibly as weird as my feet.

Such a retiring soul.

Note: This is her muck up day. I wouldn't let her wear her hair like that on a day to day basis, but she is a "punk". Let her be.

Sister Four: Has also picked her own nickname, but it's pretty cute. Meet Boop, pictured below in her nace nace pink top. She's about 15 minutes older than...

Sister Five: Who blogs like a champion at http://saydeardanae.blogspot.com/ Her name is Danae, or alternatively, Beanstalk. Why? See below. She's wearing green, appropriately.

The picture won't work. Help me!

Doing their best "Mary Kate and Ashley" pose. Ironically, of course.

___________________________________________

* This post is made all the more funnier by its posting date. I started to write this two weeks ago. And procrastinated the procrastinanting. I could not tell you that, but I'm blogging, right? All about honesty.

** Study law and you will quickly discover that your opinion doesn't matter. No. What would you know, after all, that the "objective man on the street" doesn't ? For it is ALL ABOUT THEM.

*** Sister Superior is currently trying to get a job and is using this winning photograph to do so. The selection criteria for her applications would make a post alone. Teachers can't speak English, suprisingly.

No, seriously.

The Special Man stands for election.

2005-11-20T11:35:00.000-08:00

On the list of universal truths, "Politics is very boring" probably comes in at number four. I acknowledge this. Don't despair - "making fun of politicians is always funny" comes in at number three. With this in mind, I decided to do a little breakdown of one very special man's candidate statement from my local council election.

"Insisting on good-governance (sic) and sound financial management, Graeme L stands for election*."

Yes. Not only does Graeme L stand for election, he's given himself a rapper name. Because he's totally down with the kids! He then takes this imaginary street cred and destroys it by referring to himself in the third person right throughout his candidate statement.

" More to be done: choose Graeme to make more happen."

It's almost as if he was too half assed to actually ask the rhetorical question you see him flirting with here, and instead replaced it with the most generic piece of punctuation he could find: the colon.

" Benefit from his experience and dedication. Graeme listens to individuals, families and groups."

AND groups? Sign me UP! The first sentence really can't get any funnier, although it does sound like he is trying to hypnotise the public. "Benefit from my experience and dedication ! Beeeeeeeeeeeneeefiiiiiiit...."

" Great news! - you can elect Graeme to benefit by further community works and improved services, besides giving cheerful, honest and independent representation"

Are you seeing where I'm going with this? Great news? The great news is you made me laugh, Special Man**. Aside from that one moment of hilarity, (oh, I jest - it still makes me laugh, even after reading it aloud to anyone who happens to be in the vicinity) this sentence really doesn't have much going for it. Not content with his ambiguous use of the colon, Graeme has branched out into bigger and better punctuation misdemeanours. I'm fairly sure an exclamation mark signifies the end of a sentence, although in recent times I've noticed this is not such a hard and fast rule.

But no. Graeme defies such mundane laws of grammer, and goes all out with the the hybrid sentence. Not content, the rest of the sentence sucks in that what-does-it-even-say sort of way. It makes no sense. Read it back a couple of times, and you'll soon develop the same stock "baffled face" you see in any ad that contains a Dad and a household chore. "Dishwashing detergent? What on earth could THIS be for?"

I've saved you the best 'till last. Ironically, so has Graeme. I'm sure he thinks this is a kicky conclusion.

" More to be done. Choose Graeme L. Stronger!"

I have no words.

___________________________________

* I have just had the joy, nay, the pleasure, of giving Graeme my last preference in our council election.

** I coined this name for the old G L a few months ago. He used to be Mayor, and is now thankfully just a councillor - anyway, I saw his picture in our local paper and was at a loss what to call him.

Me : "He's not the Mayor anymore, so what is he? Our...Special Man?"

Sister Superior: :laughs hysterically:

Thus, a legend was born.

Favourite? Favournein!

2005-11-06T12:07:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest problems in the English language is the lack of an opposite word for favourite. It’s a very strong word, but there is no way to say it in the negative apart from “I hate Big Brother more than any other show on Television”. Which is fine, but it’s hardly a word. And it takes so long to say. And you can’t give it that special emphasis you do when you say “Zoolander? Seriously? That’s my absolute FAVOURITE!”

You’ve got right / wrong, yes / no, love / hate, good / bad, Grissom / Horatio, but note the void.
“My favourite movie is Zoolander, and I….errrrr….really don’t like Shall We Dance the most? It is my most un favourite?”

Not even close to cutting it. Especially for someone who as many most un favourite things as me. I give you -

Favournein / Fav – or – naii – n.*

1. Opposite of favourite – your most unfavourite, if you will.

For example, my favournein actress is Kirsten Dunst, closely followed by J Lo. Previews for ‘Elizabethtown’ make me want to throw things at the little KD’s head, and J Lo was the sole perpetrator in making ‘Shall We Dance’ my favournein movie.

Derivative

Nein is German for no. Favour comes from Favourite, dooshbags.

Credit goes to Sister Superior for helping me with this word. She wanted to be called Expert Superior, but I feel that goes a little far. And now you’ve all met sister number one, my older sister. The three imoto’s** shall keep.

Simile - Fovarong / Fo - va - rong

Yes, a simile. For those situations where favournein is simply not strong enough to express your hatred. Or for those situations where I must be right. I still think this one is better, but Sister Superior digresses.

You know how people say “That’s sure to be an instant favourite?” I think this would work just as well – “Stealth would be an instant fovarong, if I could actually drag myself to the cinema and watch it.”

Besides, does FAVOURITE have a smilie? Exactly. Providing for the people.

___________________________________

* Favournein is a misphantel. Are you surprised? I just made it up. Of course it is. Anyway, Word suggested mavourneen, which is Irish for My Darling. I found that amusing. You may do with it what you will.

** Imoto is Japanese for younger sister. I have three, two of which are futago.***

*** Twins. Heh. I amuse myself far too easily.

Red squiggle THIS, Word.

2005-10-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

It may be just me, but when I’m barrelling along in Word, writing an email, or a blog entry, doing an assignment or, um, playing with the office assistant (Animate! Animate!), the appearance of the red squiggly line under something I’ve misspelled in my haste is quite irritating.

Except when I’ve spelt the word in question so wrong, the spell checker doesn’t even suggest it. That makes me laugh, and my mistake suddenly becomes awesome. It tricks Word. I know what it’s supposed to say, but Word is flummoxed. It frantically throws out random words that start with the same letter, hoping that it might get lucky and praying that it’s Mac equivalent doesn’t hear about this along the word processing grapevine.

These so-badly-spelled-they-are-by-default-awesome red squiggled words need a name.

I have given them one.

Misphantel / Mis – fan – tel

1. A misspelled word that is so poorly spelt no one but its author can discern what it means.

2. A word that by virtue of its appallingly bad spelling fools Microsoft Word into thinking it is another word entirely.

(n) Derivative: [Mistake, from Old Norse mistaka, to take in error ; Fantastic, Middle English fantastik, from Greek phantazesthai, to appear ; Spelling, Middle English spellen, to read letter by letter ]

"Hey, look, I made a misphantel!" Chuck a few extra s and t's into your word of choice and you too can live the dream. Don't overdo it - you don't want to end up with "No spelling suggestions". Word can be such a party pooper at times.

For those of you who’d like a word for your plain average red squiggly line, there already is one. Spelling Mistake.

Obviously.

Pop up’s shut down.

2005-10-24T16:02:00.000-07:00

Congratulations! You are the 1,000,000th visitor to this website! Click here to win your hourly prize!

I’m no mathematician, but I doubt they are getting 27 visitors a second. I also highly doubt that anyone DOESN'T win a prize. I know for sure that the prize will probably suck, or you'll have to pay postage and handling, which, "Suprise!" is more than the crappy prize is worth.

I am so over these annoying, flashing, vibrating, maybe-if-we-follow-your-mouse-scroll-down-the-page-we'll-piss-you-off-enough-to-make-you-click-the-cross, which-in-a-canny-twist, doesn't-make-it-go-away, but-in-fact-links to-the-same-"prize" pop ups.

I don't think I can vanquish them from the world wide web by the power of my disapproval, so instead I blast them with a good spray of AntipodeanAttack! TM, and reveal their true meaning.

Congratulations! You visited this site! I see MONEY! Please supply your bank and or contact details so that I can rob / harass you! Look how literal I’m being! Don’t you just want to click me?

Now that would draw me in.

_______________________________________

I may write a longer entry one of these days. Currently getting Lost in the Funhouse with Mr Barth, and I’m praying he will release me in time to study for those four hour law exams.

Four HOURS. I mean, do I get to take in a snack?

Bringing back the Interrobang

2005-10-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

This was originally going to be a piece about how much!!! I hate!!!! People !!!! who do this!!! And think it substitutes for a lack of anything to say!!!

When there’s more punctuation than there is sentence, you have to worry. It’s annoying to read, and it makes anything that person was trying to say be dismissed as such. The exclamation mark intended for emphasis, and if you put three at the end of each sentence, what on Earth are you going to do when you win a trip to Disneyland?

No one wants to be the boy who cried exclamation mark. Save the punctuation for when you really are excited / astonished / incredulous. As for the double exclamation mark – don’t go there. Unless you’ve won a trip to Disneyland, in which case, double exclamation mark away!

“But…”

No.

Okay, no in all cases except chess commentary.

“The double exclamation mark ("!!") is used to praise a move which the annotator thinks really shows the player's skill. Such moves are usually hard to find. This might be a sound sacrifice of large amounts of material, or moves which at first glance seem very counter-intuitive.” Wikipedia.

Now, I used to be a serial exclaimation marker myself, back in the day. We all go through this stage. If you are currently throwing superfluous exclaimation marks around left right and centre, don’t fret. I have something to help with the inevitable withdrawl symptoms. When I was googling the exclaimation mark, I discovered this instead.

The interrobang.*

Unquestionably the raddest piece of punctutation I have ever seen. Almost calls for a double exclaimation mark.

“The INTERROBANG was created to fill a gap in our punctuation system where writers often used typographically cumbersome and unattractive combinations of the question mark and exclamation mark to punctuate rhetorical statements where neither the question nor an exclamation alone exactly served the writer."

Cool. Unbelievebly cool. Perfect for the following -

“Are you SERIOUS ?!” and “The exam is how long?!” and “ Tom and Katie are having a baby and we care ?!”

So the next time you feel a bout of multipe exclamation marking coming on, use an interrobang instead. It’ll be much more effective, and how much smarter will you look?

Exactly.

*This whole post would have been a lot snappier if Blogger had Webdings 2. Instead, you can play a little make-believe, and all those ?!’s will suddenly become interrobangs. Magic.

Incidentally, if you want use the interrobang, just choose Webdings 2 in Word, and press the ` ~ key, the ] } key, the 6 ^ key, or the - _ key.

2005-10-06T15:32:00.000-07:00

Word creation, Shakespeare style.

Most of you will know Shakespeare for his brilliant plays and sonnets. Perhaps you’ve never read the plays, but odds on you’ve seen at least one of them performed or at the movies. At the very least, we’ve all seen Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet, right? Fish tank scene. Leonardo DiCaprio. On it.

What many people don’t know about Shakespeare is that he is responsible for creating 1700 new words, including ‘loneliness’.

This to me is very impressive indeed, and also a little staggering – its hard to conceive being lonely without having a word for it. Yet there are still so many feelings out there that everyone experiences that we have no words for.

For example, the feeling you get when you are picked out of your class to answer a question and you haven’t done the reading and hence have no idea. You go a little red, your stomach starts to churn, and your brain goes into overload trying to come up with something that will pass as an answer. It’s not panic, but it’s close – more than uncomfortable, and different to stress. Many people describe the feeling as drawing a blank, or ‘having a recall problem’, or being ‘put on the spot’, but none of these really describe that first moment when you realise that you have been picked out from the crowd.

Think being able to describe it would help? Probably not much. But it would at least give you something to say while you were racking your brain for the answer.

That's where I come in.

In a Welcome to the Antipodes exclusive, I have created for your own usage a brand new word -

Scholanic / skol – an – ick

A scholarly fear or sudden panic.

Derivative : A combination of the words panic and school - [From French panique, terrified, from Latin schola] into a whole new super word that has a myriad of uses.

You don’t know the answer to the question your lecturer has just asked you. You mention off hand that you’ve read a difficult novel just to sound smart, and someone turns around and wants to discuss Joyce’s use of symbolism in the latter chapters of Ulysses. You flip over an exam paper and realise you studied the wrong topic.

And all of a sudden, you feel a little scholaniced.

Edited: It'd be embarrassing to write half of the penultimate sentence twice, wouldn't it? Lucky none of you noticed.

Oh.

I feel that admission is worth leaving, simply because I get to use the word "penultimate*", one of my favourite words, and one that is very difficult for me to throw around in conversation.

* Means "second to last".

2005-10-01T14:20:00.000-07:00

Q: What’s Z got that S hasn’t?

A: Three straight lines. Apart from that, I’m at a loss. Yet in recent times, the plural s has come under siege from the letter most famous for holding up the rear of the alphabet. I’m sure you’ve all experienced this phenomenon – when in doubt, substitute the plural s with a z and the word in question will suddenly become much cooler!

It doesn’t.

Unfortuantely, that hasn't stopped the zedders out there. Rides are becoming ridez, lollies becoming lolliez, and most noticeably kids have become kidz.

Has the letter s suddenly become passé? Is the world searching for a new plural letter? I vote no. S will do just fine. Curves a word off nicely. Z is a poor man’s angular back to front S, and there’s a reason it has been contained to zoo’s all these years.

The worst offenders seem to be activity centers /playgrounds/cartoons -really, anything to do with kids. For example,

“Hey Kidz! Come on in to KIDZ KORNER*! ”, Kidz Draw, Kidz Bop, Whizz Kidz, Active Kidz, Soccor for Kidz, and my personal favourite, Shakespeare 4 Kidz**.

Lesson One: Look how much shorter and easier we can make Hamlet using sms speak! 2 B or not 2 B, that is the qn.

I mean, really. You’d think when teaching the next generation about one of the greatest playwrights in the English language, spelling correctly would be a step in the right direction. But no.

Spelling all kooky and fun and with the numb3rs is kool, right? All the kidz are doing it! It gets them all interested!

Wrong.

The kids are onto you. They are smarter than you think.
Every kid on this planet has a built in “the adults are trying to be cool, and it's not working” metre, so just give up, Kidz Korner et al, and spell your name correctly.

* I got all of these business names and sites from a Google search that found 2,750,000 results for kidz. However, there were 564,000,000 results for kids – winning the war.

** I may have invented Lesson One.

2005-09-30T22:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the Antipodes! Say it twice and it'll be true both times.

Intrigued?

The above statement is literally correct in that I am Australian. This may help some, and probably leave 99% in the dark. Never fear, exposition is here!

Literally translated, antipodes are “points diametrically opposite to each other on the earth or any globe.”

Way back when the First Fleet and their cronies were landing at Botany Bay and in the years afterward, Australia became known as “The Antipodes”, as Britain and Australia are pretty much as antipodal as you can get.

Since its heyday back when people were still mining gold, the term the antipodes has more or less dropped from the vernacular. Maybe too Latin for the average citizen? Too may syllables?

People merrily refer to Australia as Down Under, and then laugh, because, ya know….ya know….or Oz, but the far superior nickname of “the Antipodes” has fallen by the wayside. No longer, my friends. Welcome to the Antipodes!

Words will be saved and restored to their former glory.

Weasel words shall be revealed and terminated for the good of the English Language.

Words shall be invented.

Wait / I can hardly.